Who is PV?
I am a Biology teacher at Davis High
School who enjoys making science as relevant as possible so
that students can relate what they learn in class to their
I also enjoy many activities like climbing, backpacking,
basketball, soccer, gardening, etc.
I hope that my life experiences can add to my students'
understanding of the subject matter.
Being a teacher puts me in a time warp... everyone around me
stays the same age, so I think that I'm not getting any older
from my classes:
“A cow could fall out of the sky and land on my head.”
“Why did the cell plasmolyze? Because it was the chicken’s day
“Write it in your head not on your head!”
“A scientist whose name escapes me – oh well he’s probably not too
“Just because my English isn’t gooder than his...”
“Gummy bears have no constitutional rights; they are not all
“You might say to yourself, ‘Self’…”
“This lab will be semi-organized chaos.”
“So you are a gazelle with a lion coming at you. You say to
yourself, “Self, should you fight or fly?””
“He was really good at math: even in the womb he was dividing and
“Your liver cells are, you know, just hanging out.”
“Sex is just like flipping a coin.”
“What are the odds of all your children being purple?”
“You can’t cross a dead hamster.”
“I had a dream that this class played in the world championship
for flag football.”
“What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An utter
“We use x and y so that we don’t get mixed up with the chickens.”
“If you have (1.) Two z chromosomes and (2.) You are a chicken,
then you are male.”
“Have you ever heard Siamese cats breeding?”
“I’m not a statistician, although I play one on TV.”
“If my aunt had a y chromosome then she would be my uncle.”
“Oh man, I want a wife with a big lip!”
“You don’t find near sighted dear.”
“You know, rhinos can shoot their urine like 20 feet! It’s the
whole zoo experience.”
“I’m funny even when I
don’t know it.”
It’s hard to be reproductively
successful if you’re dead.
These guns are all natural! Well…
they’re actually more like air soft guns…
You breathe out your food. That’s
The only way that we as humans can
be as complex as we are is at the expense of the universe.
I’d eat you if it meant living.
If you’re in a survival situation,
you’re not going to be like “eeehhhhh I don’t want tooo much fat
in my diet” NO! you take it all man.
If you split an orange, there’ll
be little sections. If you cut your kidney in half… you’ll
probably bleed to death.
Babies are like little parasites
inside you, and they suck up your……
Don’t sit around thinking; “Am I
going to die?” yes, yes you are.
Safety first! Danger second!!
If someone gives you a cold, you
now have a little piece of them in you.
You know… it’s a good thing
ostriches don’t fly. I was thinking of the poop.
If we were to throw you in a fire…
that would kill you.
Now you are probably asking
yourself; “Self, why are there introns?”
At the time they did seem legit.
Did I just say legit?!
Soon enough you get a little
freak-of-nature-smashed-faced pug dog!
Get the mate…get eaten. Get the
mate…get eaten. Bird of Paradise? Get the mate.
When the circumstances are bad,
quite frankly, you really only need one male.
You see all the big ugly fat guys
with all the beautiful women. No offense big ugly fat guys.
There’s no such thing as bad
weather. Just bad clothes.
Grizzly bears? Man, one swipe and
you’re out! There really isn’t much you can say after that other
than “Hey look! My intestines! I didn’t know they looked like
All the Disney movies where the
lion is purring, yeah, total lie!
You never know when you will need
to know the difference between a male and a female moss. You just
You see… when two flowers really
love each other…
I like to think of the year as a
rollercoaster… a really really boring rollercoaster.
I’m Pterophyta ferns!
“I believe I can fly!!” NO!
I like to call this a
If you lower your expectations you
can do anything in life. Aim low and you will never be
You can play rock/paper… didn’t
really catch on.
No matter how tough you think you
are, a centipede lands in your lap and you’re screamin’.
You guys are sharp. Like a butter
I’ve kissed so many sea cucumbers
in my life. Man I’m golden; I should go buy a lottery ticket.
Credit cards are tools. Just like
other tools they can be used for good or evil. Like an ax. An ax
is a tool…
If you were to eat with your left
hand people would look at you like “DUDE!!!
You gotta take care of your
parasites. You gotta love them! They love you!!...kinda.
Because dead kids can't mate.
I used my photocopying Jedi skills.
I want to completely mess you up
for the rest of your life.
Your #2 is the #1 important thing about fiber.
I'll offend everyone at some point this year so just wait your
I will regurgitate some food into your mouth in a second
If you ever feel like a hollow ball...yes, you were a hollow ball.
I only have a recessive allele; why are you using me for a human
Don't even tell me babies are cute. They're all purple
and...eww...huuuh.. little freaks.
Are you a cyborg?
You can be totally fine one day and you can be dead the next.
I don't want to be an arbiter of
crazy in a hot, sweaty roomful of fools." (that one was an
explanation of why you never chaperone the school dances)
Man, I haven't gone to the
bathroom in a while... sure would be nice.
Bacon makes everything better.
That should be our motto!
And the third, and most important,
reason is... is... oops, I forgot.
but you'd have bigger problems if
you sweated alcohol... people licking you, for instance.
It's not heartburn, it's esophagus
Whatever you do, don't think about
I don't know about you, but crepe
paper has a certain... taste to it.
Everyone has a different
metabolism. Some of you could just look at a hamburger... and gain
Well, that must have made for some
Don't worry, I'll offend almost
every single person in this room eventually, just you wait."
Sure you found a nutrino. And I've
got an elf in my closet!
Freshwater fish are peeing all day
Noodle that one over."
There are two types of people in
this world: people who pee in their wet suits, and people who lie
about peeing in their wet suits.
I make all this stuff up, you
So if you're ever bored, just go
up to a parent (or even better, a grandparent) and just start
playing with their skin!
Your urine doesn't have to be
like, alpine spring clear.
So basically, if you've done all
the legal work ahead of time, as soon as you die they can whisk
you off to the person-freezing factory!
What are you supposed to say when
you see an ugly baby? The parents are like, 'Isn't he beautiful?'
and you're like, 'yeeeah... sure...'
If someone faints, just lie them
down - (well, they're probably on the ground already) and...
It's a hamster-eat-hamster world
It's good luck to pop your own
spit bubble!" (insert awkward stare from everyone in the first
row) "Okay, actually I just made that up to make myself feel
One man's poop is another man's
treasure! ...well, not literally. ALTHOUGH...
Basidity copyright PVHouse 2011
The internet focuses around cats
Cause it would be really awkward
if your eyes grew hair
Student: Isn't this dangerous? PV: oh, it's EXTREMELY dangerous
Maybe you don't go outside much
I sleep like a baby...meaning that
I spend all night crying and wetting myself
Radiation won't turn you into a
superhero, unless you want to be CANCERMAN!!
Maybe grass is green because green
is just pretty
-You make poop fun.
-Your urine doesn't have to be mountain spring water.
-Don't tweet about your urine.
-You are not yeast.
-Pretty soon it's a pyramid scheme of bread making and all your
friends hate you.
-Think about yourself first.
-I will destroy you with friendship
-That's a freebie. No charge for that tip.
-Why does sex matter? No one knows.
-Don't eat candles.
-As you may know, plants are green.
-You don't want your skin cells making insulin, just like you
don't want your pancreas to grow hair.
-I hate it when my cells explode.
-No, you can't have my kidney.
-Enzymes are not Pacman.
-Sorry, I just ripped the time-space continuum.
-Your pee could be in Technicolor.
-You don't know it yet, but you're about to learn something.
-Latin can be a powerful tool for self delusion.
-I'm no fool.
-I said jubididoobiddy!!
-You're too old to trick or treat. If you're old enough to have
kids, you're too old to trick or treat.
-I always think of you guys as embryos. You must've been so cute!
-You can't catch cancer.
-You're like-- 'that's the story of my life, Peevyhouse.'
-You could be allergic to dust mite poop.
-I put you guys into piles.
-Sometimes i just get really sad.
-Goodbye, sweet America...
-Don't let your children run on the freeway.
-What the WHAT?!